Another reflection

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too hard on myself and on people. I have very high expectations, but most of the time I end up being frustrated by them.

Last night, I cried out my anxieties to God on what I felt was apathy of people. I told Him, "Why are people so short-sighted? They spend their energies and time on things that do not last, while neglecting what the Scripture says has eternal value."

I'm really frustrated. I can't remember the last time I cried myself to sleep.

Oftentimes I share my sentiments to a friend, and our conversations will end up with a heart-felt plea to God. "Just one person, Lord," I will pray. "If You can only raise up one more person with passion for the lost and unwavering commitment to You."

As I write this, I try to remember how I used to act during college. I admit that I wasn't so serious about faith then because I was really bent on achieving my dream of becoming the world's most famous writer. I viewed fellowships and Bible studies as "wasted time," and if I had a choice, I'd rather stay in my dorm room and study.

This attitude went on for sometime. And during that period, if you can see my heart, you'll notice that the self, the proud I, was sitting on my heart's throne. Even if I refused to acknowledge this fact, my attitude towards God unmasked me. He wasn't really the center of my life... I was.

I said I studied hard and did everything for His glory, but deep inside me I knew I was lying. The problem with me was I never really believed the things I said I believe.

Then, the inevitable happened. God met me, and He struck me with the force of His character. He confronted me head on, making me rethink my "Christianity." He showed me where I was at fault-- my relationship with Him wasn't real.

If I was on the throne of my life, then, I have not really  submitted my all to God. This means my faith is hollow and I have not yet turned from a life of sin to become a slave of God. It was sheer grace that made me see this truth. I wasn't saved. But praise God He saved me. Praise God He transformed me.

Why am I retelling this? I believe every professing Christian has to continuously reexamine their standing before God. It's one thing to claim you're a Christian and another thing to truly live as a saved person. There are many times I still pause and ask God, "Lord, am I truly saved? If I am, why do I keep on falling to sin? Why don't I have the power to overcome sin?"

I had to ask these questions because I wanted to see the fruit of my salvation. Matthew said a good tree bears good fruit and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. If I am saved, I must bear good fruit. I must desire to know God more. I must enjoy the fellowship of fellow believers. I must be able to say no to sin and temptation. I must long for Christ's Second Coming. I must have the eagerness to share His Gospel to people. I must CHANGE!

I had to ask God because there were times I could not see change in me. Two years ago, during one reflection time with Kuya Dave in a missions trip in Baguio, one question struck me. He said to our group, "Where are you in your spiritual walk right now? Are you moving with leaps forward? With baby steps forward? Or have you stopped moving? Or worse, are you moving backwards?"

I pray that all of us will have the time to reflect on these things. As I do, I still struggle with my frustrations, anxieties and disappointments. May the Lord strengthen me in the face of all my troubles.
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