One long post

A few days ago, an older brother in faith said he is an "emotional wreck." I like the image the words conjure-emotional wreck- but I like the words more because they reflect a part of me I struggle to understand.

I am also an emotional wreck right now. I'm wrestling with myself and my feelings. I'm sailing to uncharted territories in my mind and heart. These are wild territories that refuse to follow order.

Funny how even in my craft I can't find what I want to say. This is supposed to be my blog. I am suppose to rant here, but I can't. I don't know how.

A lot of emotions are bottled right now. I want them to burst to ease the pain, but I think the container's just too tough for me. It doesn't want to budge. It now contains 19 years of emotions, happy and a tsunami of sad emotions.

I must find the root of all these and weed it out. That's the only way I can deal with my confusion right now. But, truth is, there's just one thing that triggered them all.

I am alone in the dormitory so I'm detached from the friends who know me. So why am I just fretting now when I have survived more than a year in Ipil Residence Hall? I tried to last sem. I even tried the sem before that, but I just can't find the right words to express how I feel. I also can't find the right ear that's willing to listen.

I doubt if anyone can understand me. The only one who can (because he too was cut off from all his friends) is now with the people I also want to be with. I'm happy for him, but I'll be a whole lot happier if he has at least tried to lend his company.

Now I'm back to square one. When I first moved to Ipil, I felt alien. At least then I have some people to talk to (three people to be exact). But this summer, I have none. I have no roommate (he's one of the three), and the other person I talk to has decided to rest for the summer. So, there's just one person who's more or less willing to listen, but he's different from Christian friends.

Kuya pao said in yesterday's service that we need to be incarnate witnesses. We need to be present -in the flesh- when attempting to give testimony for the Lord. While this statement is for Christians ministering to non-believers, I think it is also true within the family of believers.

We need to be with Christians. I direly need Christian friends here and now. And I know at least two other Christians who do. I'm dependent on Jesus, and I need my friends to remind me that I am.

I miss my friends badly. And I miss my bestfriend so much.
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