This day

Two days ago, I shared to a Christian brother my struggles as the new DCF chairperson. I told him that there are moments when I feel so unworthy. I can't keep my Quiet Times, I'm still too independent, I'm emotional, I'm insesnsitive and the list goes on. I wonder why God allowed a new and, basically, ignorant Christian like me to lead a 20-year old fellowship.

I have leadership experiences, yes, but all these are in the non-Christian context. I am used to being the boss-- the puffed up leader who knows everything and who is infallible. DCF is a different story. I prayed about it. I consulted a number of people. I even asked God not to give it to me if it will only harm the fellowship. But He gave it to me. So what now?

I don't know what I'm looking for. I certainly am not expecting servants bowing before me, that's absurd. But I'm seeking counsel. I'm looking for people who do not look at me as the high and mighty Pau, but as their fellow worker in Christ. I'm looking for people who are willing to rebuke me if I sin, and to offer their expertise and experience.

Now I know how it feels to be up there with no one to look up to (except God of course). I certainly did not expect the pressure to be this overwhelming. As early as now, if I rate myself, I'd give my leadership a -10 for failure.

I also ask that people will not compare me to the previous chairs. Compared to them, I feel so fragile and soft. I do not posses the choleric authority that has been expected from the chairperson. I just don't see the need for it. Not that I despise this temperament, but in my experience, a lot of Christian have stumbled because of choleric leaders-- myself included.

I am the less assertive type because I believe in the wisdom of collective decisions. Is this Biblical? I'm not even sure. I'm afraid I'm not that knowledgeable enough. I enjoy Biblical debates, yes, but I have not gone that deep to actually draw Biblical examples for every situation.

I have not been trained. I know a number of people in our batch who are more equipped than I am. I am a late bloomer in Christian leadership and a part of me feels that I have been swept in the center rather too hastily. But I am here now and there's no coming back.

But if I'm learning anything from this experience, I will say dependence and humility. In the end, I pause to ask God for guidance, pause to seek His will and pause to ask for His forgiveness.
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